Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Not Everyone's a Princess
There are no fairy tales. There are no valiant knights in shining armors riding on majestic horses. There are no princes to rescue girls from towers of isolation. There are no princes who look for girls who leave their slippers behind. There are no princes who wake girls from poisoned sleep. There are no happy ever afters. Ok, fine, that's exaggerating a bit. Not everyone has a fairy tale love story. Not every Romeo has a Juliet.
This is the real world. I know that I'm a simple single girl who just wants to have someone. I thought that I wanted to get married. Well maybe I still do. But not right now. Some degree of faith in the institution of marriage has to be restored in me before I take that plunge. I realize that I just want to have someone. No, I don't need a handsome dashing prince. I don't need a court jester. I don't need I don't need a rocket scientist. I don't need a Bill Gatesor an Ayala either Although, if someone who fills that profile comes along, who am I to be choosy?
Is it too much to want someone whom I can talk to? Someone who will make me laugh. Someone who can make me feel guilty. Someone who will intrigue me. Someone who will make me kulit. Someone who will worry about me. Someone who will hold my hand. Someone who will build dreams with me. Someone who will tell me 10, 20, 30, 40 or even 50 years from now that I'm still hot and still mean it. Someone who will make me their Number 1. Is it too much to ask for someone who will love me back?
Am I being choosy? Isn't that what everyone wants? Are my standards too high?
I'm tired of being second choice. I'm tired of being the backup plan. I'm tired of being the other spare tire. I'm tired of being the opportunity presenting itself. I'm tired of being the other girl. I'm tired of getting shortchanged. I'm tired of being ecstatic one moment and heartbroken the next. I'm tired of hoping.
Have I lost my faith in love? I don't know. I don't want to say that I have. But sometimes I feel I have. But I don't think I've totally lost my faith. Because deep inside, I still hang on to the idea that there may be someone out there for me. I guess I just really need to have a better view of the real world. Maybe I'm not a lucky princess who gets her prince charming. Maybe I just need to make sure that I wear these glasses all the time. Maybe it's a frog that's really meant for me. Frog or Prince. I still hope that there's someone out there. I hope the faith I have lasts until he comes along.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Whisper in the Wind
I let the wind carry my whispers across the sea of possibility. Was it just my own voice that echoed back to me? The unknown beckoned, I was lured by curiosity. There's a chance that you'll reach land, but then there's also a chance that your boat will sink. I've risked that chance. The boat was sturdy, the captain was experienced, and the crew well trained. But the captain jumped ship. And now here I am whispering in the wind... Captain, go where you should go... I may not follow. Go where you are meant to be, you are free... You shall not hear anything from me. This is after all, a sea of possibility. Be free, be free.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Pangasinan Sunset
Pangasinan Sunset
April 25, 2008 6:02 PM
El Puerto Marina, Lingayen, Pangasinan
Monday, August 24, 2009
Chaos
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
♠ Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.♠
February 28, 2009Sampaloc, Tanay, Rizal
You were wearing your white duck. I was determined to ignore you. I avoided you throughout the whole wedding ceremony. But you approached me and asked if I were angry. Sarcastically, I said, "Me? No, I'm not angry.." You went away, but the night was young, and the group was small, so we bumped into each other again. I gave in. Would it hurt to give him another chance?
--------------------------Let me go back to how it began...
November 22, 2008.
(just read the lines below na lang)
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November 24 at 12:05pm
Facebook
I sent a friend this message:
Hey ****... yes impatient... haha. super weird yung setup. as in.
we're not madly crazy in love... but i have butterflies in my tummy. THIS ONE DEFINITELY HAS SPARKS!!!
we've known each other for almost 10 years. yeah i know, military guy na naman. he was my classmate in pma. and we get to catch up once in a while. i know i'm taking my chances again. he's a good guy.
we're in a trust and friendship based relationship. exclusive yes, and hopefully for the long term. we've agreed to be honest to each other. i'm good with that. walang lokohan. up front all the way. and he accepts that i have anton and it's a package deal, he's in a relationship with me, anton is part of the equation.
I mean, he's not the perfect guy. Hindi siya magaling mag-english. Hindi siya ganun katalino. He's not sosyal. He's not really my type. But he's nice and he's funny. and he makes me laugh. and like i said, i'm surprised. i still am. parang business arrangement nga eh. may terms and conditions... and this all happened through text!!! parang yuck nakakahiya, to some degree. But i don't know ****... somehow, this feels RIGHT. it feels like it fits.
if it works, it works. if it doesn't it wasn't meant to be. But i hope it works. if i do fall madly in love with this guy and he breaks my heart, i've learned enough naman na to know that i should love myself first.
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That was the MTRCB version of the story
I am only sharing this with a few people who know me well enough and who won't judge me
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Here's the UP Film Center (slightly censored) version:
Me: responding to the question: "yey! in a relationship??? ü" on November 23 at 10:49am Facebook
hahaha. uhm. actually oo. di ko nga rin alam bakit eh. pero in a relationship with Chester Barela. He's not on facebook yata eh. pero meron siya sa friendster.
Wala lang. ang hirap mag-explain. hindi ko alam. kinikilig ako pero ewan. he's in mindanao right now. hails from floridablanca pampanga.
classmate ko sa pma.
ganito yun. isa sana siya sa mga chochorvahin ko. pero we didn't get to meet up. i sent him a message asking what happened to him.
kagabi lang nagtext. super mega sorry siya. asking if i was mad.
sabi ko. hindi ako galit. yun nga lang hindi ako makakalimutin.
tapos he was asking if we can reschedule our chorva date. sabi ko tingnan natin. are you going to show up this time? oo daw.
tapos he kinda asked if i really don't have a boyfriend. sabi ko wala nga.
sabi niya siya na lang daw. wala daw siyang gf. tinawanan ko pa siya sabi ko, ano yun text bf/gf?
terms of the relationship: exclusive, hopefully long term.
basis: trust, friendship and chorva.
walang lokohan. malinaw ang usapan.
sabi ko, sige, subukan natin.
basta yun. so kami na.
malabo, pero malinaw. gets?
yun lang, love, wala pa. sparks, definitely meron.
feeling ko naman mas ok na sumugal ako sa ganito kesa sa makipaglaro at gaguhan sa kung sino sino.
haay.
bahala na si lord.
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For a while it was fine... But then I guess things just weren't right. IT didn't fit. so I got hurt. I felt betrayed, because I was dropped like a hot potato. There wasn't any explanation. He just vanished.
I tried to reach out, but he didn't want to be reached.
Then I was invited to a friend's wedding. He was apparently also attending the same wedding, actually, he was part of the entourage. So I've circled back to the beginning of the story.Would it hurt to give him another chance?
I ditched the friend that I hitched a ride with to go to the wedding. He said that we would talk. We didn't get a lot of talking done. It was Good, no, IT was GREAT. He brought me home and then he disappeared again.
I guess the message was really starting to sink in. Whatever we had in November, IT was over. Over.
Was I ever able to move on? Unfortunately, no, I wasn't. But I wanted to at least be friends with him again. For some reason, I fell for him. I fell hard. So hard, it hurts. I tried to add him on facebook, but he wouldn't approve my request. I sent him an email that yes, I got the message, but I was hoping that we could at least go back to being friends. No reply. One crazy night at my sister's place, I thought of creating a dummy account in facebook, just to check if he would approve the request or not. He did, and that was how I cyberstalked him. I greeted him on his birthday using the dummy account. That was the last time I ever spoke to him. And he didn't even know it was me.
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August 12, 2009
Somewhere in Pasig
I was on my way home in a cab and I thought: "Shit, dapat bago siya ikasal may boyfriend na ko." You see, involuntarily, images of him would pop up in my mind. I would dream of him, and I would wake up with a heartache.
I woke up at around 5PM and I got a message from my friend who got married last February 28. It was a call for a one minute prayer for him. He died in an encounter in Basilan. It's unfair. I just wanted to move on. Now what chance did I have of doing that? I cried during the shift, and I couldn't get any work done. I was hoping that they would bring him to Libingan ng Bayani, so that I could see him. Unfortunately, when they did, I was out of town, for an office-related activity.
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August 17, 2009
Floridablanca, Pampanga
I couldn't help it. I had to say goodbye. My "Siws" at work offered to go with me, but I didn't want her to lose sleep just because of me. (Siws, that was worth a whole truckload of sister points!) So I hired a driver, filled the tank of mom's car and went to Pampanga. I didn't know who I would see there, or what their reaction would be. I just wanted to say goodbye for good. I couldn't bear to look at him first. I wasn't ready. I talked to his brother, whom I knew.
At one point in time, I had to see him. That was after all the reason why I was there. I was there to say goodbye.
Bem, madaya ka. Bigla ka na lang nawala. Nasaktan ako. Sana sinabi mo na lang na tapos na. Ayaw mo na. Tapos ngayon, wala ka na talaga. Madaya ka. Masakit man sa kin yung nangyari, na dala na ng katangahan ko... I want you to know Bem, that whatever pain I went through (because of my own stupidity -- but somehow linked to you) I don't want that to hold you back. Go wherever you are meant to be. I've asked my dad to show you around. I know that you'll watch over your family. I hope that somehow, you'd also watch over me - and help me not to be so stupid... Bem, for what it's worth, I did love you. I want to be there on Thursday to say my last farewell before you are laid to rest. I want to be there, but I won't. I think it would just be plain stupid of me again. A lot of people will be there. A lot of whom don't have any idea at all what happened in November. I don't want to feel small and insignificant all over again. I don't want to indulge in self-inflicted pain. Sabi nga ni Cathie, you touched my life differently. and someday, I will look back at the few memories that I had of you and I would smile.
Bem, nung huli kitang nakita, naka-white duck ka. Akala ko makikita lang kita ulit na naka-white duck sa kasal ng mistah or sa kasal mo kung iimbitahan mo ko. Hindi ni minsan sumaglit sa isip ko na sa ganitong pagkakataon kita makikita. Hindi ko rin naisip na masasabi ko to about someone, parang natutulog ka lang Bem, parang mamaya magigising ako tapos marerealize ko na nanaginip lang pala ako. Kaso Bem, hindi eh. Hindi na kita pwedeng sisihin, Hindi na ko pwedeng magalit. Hindi na ko pwedeng masaktan. Hindi na ako pwedeng manghinayang. Hindi na ko pwedeng mag-isip kung saan ako nagkamali. Hindi na rin ako pwedeng mag-isip kung ano ang mali sa kin at bakit ayaw mo sa kin.
Basta go wherever you are meant to go. I will be fine.
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Today, I just can't stop the tears from falling. Siguro mayamaya, mapapagod din ang mata ko. Siguro bukas, kapag sinabi kong OK na ko, OK na talaga ako. Siguro naman eventually I will be fine.
Siguro ang iba sa inyo ngayon lang mababasa at malalaman ang kwentong ito sa buhay ko. Pero marami sa inyo, alam ang kwento ko. Alam kung paano ako maging tanga. Alam kung paano ako masaktan. Alam kung paano ako magpanggap na ok ako, kahit hindi.
I just wanted to say farewell to Bem, someone I lost but never had.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Feeling High School - Need the Sparks
I am looking for: SPARKS, sense of humor, engaging personality, someone i would want to call in the middle of the night, someone who will be comfortable with my friends and family.
I don't need JUST NICE. I want sparks. I need sparks.
I don't need JUST NICE. I want sparks. I need sparks.
So how do you tell someone that they just don't light up your fire? without breaking his heart...
He is a nice guy after all.
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It is said that the reason why leaves fall from the branch is to allow new leaves to take their places. No matter how sad the fallen leaves look, there will always be new sprouts in spring. Perhaps, emptiness in the heart is something similar to that.
I'm not sure who said that, but my friend, JM, just shared that with me.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Finding Goatie
I was as usual cleaning. Trying to make more space for more junk to be accumulated. Anton came up to me and we were just there in the room deciding which things we would bring when we move out and which things we would leave behind. He goes to his toys and sees "Goatie". Goatie is a stuffed animal that Bon won for Anton when we went to Star City. For some time, Anton brought Goatie along with him wherever he went. He would not be able to sleep without Goatie at his side.
Going back to today, I kept on fixing things and I was surprised when I heard Antonio sniffling. I asked him if he was crying and he said yes. I asked him, "Why? Do you miss your Dad?" He nods and tears started streaming down. So I asked him to come sit on my lap. I gave him a hug and told him, "It's God's Will, Anton." (To give you a brief background, Anton's father is Cpt. Bonifacio L. Soriano. He is a pilot of the Philippine Air Force. He has been missing since November 26, 2007. No aircraft wreckage or remains have been found to this date.) And Anton starts sobbing heart wrenching sobs.
I asked him, "What do you remember about your Dad?"
He cries even harder, "Nothing..."
"Do you want to remember your Dad?"
He nods and I tell him to stay in the room I just need to get some things.
I run over to my room and retrieve the photos that I've set aside. (I'm rebuilding Antonio's scrapbook which was eaten away by some kind of insect.) Anton followed me to my room and so we lie down on the bed and go through his pictures.
His baptism. (Bon spent for Anton's Baptism, since we weren't Catholic at that time) His first birthday. The times that we went to Glorietta to take Anton out. The times that Bon visited Anton here at home. His fifth birthday.
Anton had a lot of questions. Why was his Dad doing that in the picture? Who blew the cake for him? Where was his Dad on his third birthday? I explained to him that his Dad was able to visit him more often during his first two years because Bon was stationed at Villamor Air Base, and it became more difficult for his Dad to visit him when he was assigned in Palawan and in Clark. He's a fighter pilot. He's very busy making sure that our country is a safe place.
No matter how hard I hugged him. I couldn't console him. The only thing that I could tell him was that we should pray. I asked him to pray that Bon may be found. (I stopped there. I couldn't say ".. found alive." I don't want to give my son any false hopes that Bon is still out there... But I also could not tell Anton to pray that Bon's remains may be found)
Exhausted, he was finally able to sleep.
My son's love for his father, pure unadulterated love. He doesn't talk about his Dad very often but this I know, my son loves his father. and in my heart, in spite of his shortcomings and our differences, I know that Bon loves Anton.
** the picture above is of Anton, Goatie and Bon, with Lola Let in the background.
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