pLÜmGirL - work in progress

I’m wearing these damn high heels. I’m tired and haven’t had much sleep. Walking along Ayala Avenue. Why the heck did I think that walking from RCBC Plaza to Edsa was such a good idea? I don’t know. I just wanted to think I guess.

Why did I choose 2 over 1 I had a boyfriend at that time… 2 came along and I chose him over 1. 1 was a nice guy, and he loved me. He was someone I was able to introduce to my parents. It could have been a good relationship. But I guess, I was young. I was tempted by 2. 2 looked like a "shiny thing"

Did I really love 2? If yes why did I love him? Could it ever have worked with him? Does he think about me? Well never mind me, it’s a moot point. Does he think about Anton? Does he not want to spend time with Anton? Does he really care? Or is it all just an obligation? Does he not want to be a part of Anton’s life? Every invitation I’ve given him to participate in Anton’s life seems to be turned down. He’s busy. He’s busy. Tsk. Tsk. It’s just sad, coz, he’s missing so much.

Then there’s 2.5. A best friend. Who was quite supportive when I needed all the support that I could get. He offered his home, He offered to take care of me and my baby. We kinda lost contact when we both left that place. I wonder what ever happened to him? I’ve actually been trying to contact him for the last 7 years. But haven’t been able to. I just want to thank him because he helped me through a very difficult time in my life. Without his support at that time, I really don’t know where I’d be right now. So Padernal, Thank you!

What happened to 3? Why did I break up with him when he was really there for me? He was the ONE guy that I was ever able to bring home to my family and told them that he was my boyfriend. The only boyfriend that I ever brought home. That means a lot because I don’t just introduce my boyfriends to my family. They’ve got to be real worthy of that honor. and 3 was worthy. I actually saw myself getting married to the guy. I saw myself growing old with him and laughing our way to old age. His parents accepted me even though I came as a buy one take one package. My family liked him. But why oh why did I ever think of breaking up with him??? When I was 22 and he was 25, he said that if we weren’t by age 32 and 35, would I marry him? At that time, I gave him an indefinite answer. But right now, let him ask me that again and I’d say YES I would. Because very few men are like him… But I don’t know if I’m glad or sad that he is planning to marry his current girlfriend. I should be happy for him. And in a way I am. I’m glad that he found the one. I’m sad that I’m not that person.

Then there was 3.5. A not quite. A crazy summer thing. But a fun summer thing. Now, I’m over that phase. I was like stupid over that for a certain period of time. I can just look back now and smile over the idea of 3.5 and the times I spent with him. Wonder how he is now.

4 and I are still friends. That was a short lived romance.. But we’re still friends and we still talk and catch up. It’s good that we’re friends…

Why is it such a gray area with TB/5? Am I making it a gray area? Is it really black and white? Am I deceiving myself into thinking that he may actually feel something for me? I know him. But do I know him well enough? Am I letting what I feel for him get in the way of objectively assessing the situation?

Then there’s 5.5 or could he be a 6? Don’t know really. He may or may not be 6. I can’t stop thinking about him really. I think he is a nice guy, but well, IS HE a really NICE guy? Part of me says he is. But another part says nah, he’s not. But I’m sorry, I just can’t kick him out of my mind.

So there you go. These are my numbers.

Treasury Bonds are fixed income securities. You invest a specific amount of money, receive interest on a regular basis. Get your capital after a specific period of time. You’re guaranteed a return of your investment. But there’s also a risk to investing in TBs. Inflation. What is the value of your $1000 right now? In 10 years how much would the same be worth?

What is your goal? You want to profit, right? Get the most out of what you’ve invested.

So I weigh things out. Do I want PS? Who does not guarantee anything in return? But presents a lot of potential.. Do

I want to risk losing everything over the slim possibility of hitting it big time?

On the other hand, do I want TB? TB who is consistent. Someone who is reliable. Someone who’s got my back for sure. Someone who is always my friend. I’m sure that he’ll always be there for me, I know that we will always have this connection. BUT do I wait? In 5, 10 years, will the investment I’ve put in have the same value?

Both have certain risks. So do I invest? Do I risk putting my heart on the line? Do I choose PS, minimal investment, high potential for reward? Do I choose TB, steady, but has tendency to decrease in value?

These questions are actually quite stupid. I don’t even know if PS or TB would ever look at me that way. But let’s just pretend that things do turn out the way I want it to. PS is fun and exciting. He has great potential. He has the qualities I look for in a guy. He has 6 out of 7Gs. TB… he’s nice and reliable. He’s a friend. He has 7 out of 7Gs. BUT he’s my friend.

Penny Stock or Treasury Bond?

I pause and I think about my life. There are just days that I feel kind of tired.. What do I really want out of it? Some days, I know what I want. But there are some days, that I just have no freaking idea what I’m doing with my life. Like for instance my love life. Or the lack of it. They say, just wait and the right one will come along eventually. But just how long do you have to wait? Maybe Someone UP THERE is working on it for me, or maybe not. Call me impatient, but there are times that you know, you just get so tired of waiting. That sometimes you want to take things into your own hands. There are times that I think that he’s the one but then again, How DO you know if THE One has finally come into your life? I know, fairy tales don’t happen in real life… You know, no knight in shining armor, no prince on his horse to save you, no prince to wake you up with a kiss, no prince to set you free from your tower… We grow up with the idea that someone meant for us will come along after we patiently wait for that someone. But what are we supposed to do? Twiddle our thumbs and wait? Or do we go out, and search for that "prince/knight/Someone". Well, he could have gotten lost or waylaid, right? (men do get lost and are sometimes too proud to let on that they’ve lost their way) But how do we know which one of these lost princes is the one for us?

CARPE DIEM.

They say. But you know, that could really backfire on you. You seize the day. Grab an opportunity and get burned. And when you get burned, you get burned fast. Now, there’s one consolation, if you get burned, you take your hand out of the fire, unless you’re TOO stupid to take it out the moment you feel the heat. You stay put, you end up with third degree burns. But then again, there is the off chance that the fire may die down and you eventually get what you want. But how long? When is enough ENOUGH?

Most of my well meaning friends tell me, don’t worry, the right one will come when the time is right. But then again, how do I know??? I’ve made so many mistakes in love and relationships. I sometimes think, when did I ever make the right decision? Yeah, I’ve been burned but I do know that I can still love. I still believe in it. I keep on praying for that someone with the Seven G’s… Siguro naman, malalaman ko kung siya na yun di ba? But in the meantime, I take what I can get. Quota lang. Sa ngayon, pwede na to. Pero ULIT… hanggang kailan ko mapagtiyatiyagaan to. Sh*t. Nakakapagod na rin kasi minsan maging FRIEND, BEST FRIEND, BUDDY, KAUSAP PAG WALANG MAGAWA, SECOND CHOICE, NUMBER TWO, SPARE TIRE, BACK UP PLAN, the DRUNKEN THING. Yung iba, sabi nila, maganda nga yung walang attachment. walang sakit ng ulo. walang responsibilidad. yung puro gray area. yung malabo lang. yung di mo alam kung san kayo papunta. nandun daw yung challenge, yung excitement. pero sa totoo lang, pakiramdam ko, nauubos ang kaluluwa ko. gusto ko rin namang mag-iwan para sa sarili ko.. Minsan gusto ko rin naman maramdaman na ako yung mahal na mahal. Na ako yung inaalala. Na ako yung inaalagaan. Sa totoo lang kasi, parang sa lahat ng naging relasyon ko, ako yung mas nagmamahal. Sana naman isang araw, maranasan ko rin na ako yung mas minamahal. Yung may nag-aalala sa kin. OO, parati kong sinasabi na KAYA ko naman eh. KAYA ko mag-isa, pero HINDI talaga. May mga araw na natutuwa ako sa sarili ko, kasi mukhang nakakayanan ko na na hindi umasa sa wala. Pero may mga araw na gusto ko na lang humagulgol at umiyak. Tulad ngayon. Alam mo ba yung pakiramdam na parang sasabog na lang yung dibdib mo sa sakit? Yung di ka makalunok kasi parang may nakabara sa lalamunan mo? yung hindi ka magkandaugagang magpunas ng luha mo kasi baka may makakita sa yo.. Yung pinagpipilitan ng utak mong sumigaw sa puso mo na "HOY!! umayos ka nga.." kung hindi mo nararanasan to, masuwerte kang nilalang. Pasalamat ka.